


The Roman I Used To Know

by dosheepevengrowthere



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: DONT IGNORE THEM PLEA S E-, M/M, Other, PLEASE READ THE WARNINGS!!!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-01 07:13:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15137918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dosheepevengrowthere/pseuds/dosheepevengrowthere
Summary: "You..You are no longer the one I loved. You are no longer the person I was thinking about everyday. You are no longer the one who always greeted me with a smile. You are no longer the one who gave me butterflies just by looking at me. You are no longer the Roman I used to know. Well, at least, not anymore."//the parts are not in the correct order. good luck trying to find out which parts are which ^^





	1. part ???

**Author's Note:**

> i originally posted this on tumblr and decided to post this here too. i hope you enjoy this crappy series!
> 
> TW: mentions of panic attacks; unrequited love; unhappy ending; implied bad self-image; implied bullying

For someone who has a hard time remembering the stuff they taught me at school- for someone who has a hard time remembering a lot of stuff in general, I can remember a bunch of things you and I did together.

I remember this one time when we were still not sure if we would be good friends. It was raining so hard and we both were stuck at school since someone took our umbrellas. We didn't talk at all- didn't even share a glance. It was painfully awkward, especially since none of our other friends were around or nearby. And the fact that I was almost about to have a panic attack in front of you didn't help. So when you suddenly just stood up, looked at me, and suggested that we run to the nearest building that wasn't our school, I was more than surprised because holy shit you actually spoke to me why did you do speak to me that doesn't help at all. Hesitantly, I agreed and we ran, screaming and laughing while looking for a building that we could stay in. We ended up finding a small coffee shop and luckily, there were barely any customers that were there so we didn't get embarrassed at how wet we were. The manager was kind enough to let us have free drinks and food- probably because we reminded her of her daughter who was now married. We sat down on the chairs, looked at each other, then bursted out laughing- disturbing all of the customers.

It was the first time we actually started being friends.

Oh- remember that one time during prom and we both had no one to go with because everyone else already had a partner? That time was really awkward because the teachers told us to be partners or else we had to go to detention. And while I was okay with detention, you weren't because you had so much to do after school. Seriously, how did you manage to do all of those activities while still being able to have some time for yourself? It still amazes me up to now. Anyway, back to the topic: when we both finally went with the crowd to dance, did you notice the stares we got from everyone? It was as if they knew something that we didn't. I almost freaked out in front of everyone but you were there to calm me down. I was still shaking but we still danced.

"It's going to calm you down, I promise!"

You were right. It did calm me down. We stepped on each other's feet every now and then, glaring playfully at each other. And despite everything I said the next day, despite how much I hated last night because I had to dance with you out of all people, there was a part of me that enjoyed dancing with Roman Prince. A part that wanted to do that again.

But of course, I ignored it.

Then there was the time at the beach. I remember seeing how excited you were and your smile ended up distracting me, making me agree to going with you guys without knowing. So we were in the car for a long time- maybe around 2-4 hours? While Patton and Thomas were exchanging and laughing at dad jokes, you and Logan were bonding over Shakespeare. At first, I was glad that you and Logan actually stopped fighting for once because it meant that I could listen to music in peace. But when I glanced at you two and saw the both of you just smiling fondly at each other, I could practically feel my heart break into pieces and I didn't know why. I felt hurt- betrayed but why? So for the rest of the ride, I avoided looking at my left.

When we finally arrived at the beach, I was terrified. It was private property, sure, but that didn't mean that there would only be a few people. There were so many kids, teenagers, and adults and the thought of me being shirtless in front of all these people that were probably already judging me made me even more terrified that I didn't notice you pulling me into a hug until I heard you telling me to breathe with you. It took a long time, getting me to calm down, and I apologize for that. I didn't mean to bother you. When I was finally okay, you laughed, telling me not to panic and to just let people see me shirtless. And I got scared. Again. But when you held my hands and looked at me with such caring and loving eyes, saying that he was okay with being with me in the beach house instead of going to swim with the others, I could feel my heart racing. I didn't know what was going on but I ignored it because I was too distracted with your beautifully warm eyes. And in the end, we ended up spending the whole day together.

Then it was finally night but I couldn't sleep so I went outside only to see you outside as well. Your hair was flowing in the air with the wind and I have never wanted to comb it until now. You looked behind and when you saw me, a grin appeared on your face and you began waving, yelling at me to go to you. When I did, you instantly carried me, laughing at how red my face was. You walked around, with me still in your arms, and I have never felt so content in my life. I felt safe. When we were far from the beach house, you made me sit down, a soft smile on your face. You sat down next to me and we both just looked at the stars and listened to the water. It was peaceful but my heart was still beating erratically but why? There was no reason for me to be scared. You noticed that my breathing changed and you started singing to me, slowly rubbing circles on the back of my hand. I sighed and let my head rest on your shoulder while you rest your head on mine. Closing my eyes, I let myself think of you. Your smile, your laugh, your eyes- and in that moment, I realized that I liked you so much more than just a friend.

And since then, a lot changed.

Our group drifted apart. Thomas was in a different group of friends, Patton was now the president of the art club, which meant that he didn't have the time to hang out with us anymore. Logan was also the president of the student council, so he started focusing on school even more, leaving the two of us. We drifted apart too. You were the king of the school- the Roman Prince, while I was just an outcast that stayed with people that were also disliked at school. Sure, we'd wave at each other, smile, or say hi every now and then but other than that, we just completely ignored each other. But for some reason, that crush I had on you never went away. It stayed and that was what frustrated me the most because every time I would look at you, I'd just see you with someone else, flirting with them shamelessly. And every time that happened, it hurt me. It was like the time in summer when you and Logan were smiling like that.

During the time before almost all of us became friends again, Thomas got better at singing, Patton became nicer, Logan became smarter, I was even 'edgier' now, and you..

You are no longer the Roman I knew. At least, not anymore.

I fell in love with the Roman that was kind to me, the Roman that treated me like a prince when nobody else did. The Roman that would do anything just to make me smile.

I miss that Roman. Because now, all I have is this self-centered jerk that treats me like scum. All I have is someone that hates me and everything that I do. Someone that is willing to kill me because 'it would make life easier for everyone.'

And I guess you were right when you said that I was a fool. Because even though you changed, even though you hated me, I still loved you.

All of you.

And I hate that I still have these feelings for you. I hate it even more now because with how things are between us, I realized that you could and would never love me back.


	2. part ???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: unrequited love; crying; unhappy ending; implied bad self-image

They told him that love was nothing but happiness. That when you loved someone, they also returned the feelings. They told him that pain wasn't involved when it came to love. And five years old Roman believed them. Roman believed that love was just being happy and that was it. That's love.

If only five years old Roman knew that love was so much more than that.

He sat on the sidewalk, not caring if his clothes were wet and dirty. He didn't look happy anymore. Instead of the joy you would normally see, his face showed that he was in pain. And though there were tears streaming down his face, there was still a smile on- even if it wasn't a happy one.

Of course Logan didn't love him back. Why would he? Roman already knew about his feelings for Patton. Roman already knew that Logan had already fallen so hard for Patton. Roman knew that he had no chance- and yet, he fell for the intelligent man anyway.

A bitter laugh escaped his lips as more tears streamed down. He should've listened to Virgil. He should've given up and tried to get rid of those feelings a long time ago instead of letting it grow. He should've been more careful, but like the clueless moron Virgil told him he was, he fell for the nerd more and more each day.

To Roman, Logan was the most amazing person he had ever met. The way Logan's eyes would light up when talking about something he loved, the way Logan smiled made him melt. And Logan's laugh- it was practically music to Roman's ears. It was even better than Disney songs!

But it wasn't just Logan's appearance that made him feel so happy and nervous at the same time. It was his personality.

He and Logan fought a lot. They disagreed about many things and each argument hurt them and everyone near. But despite all the angry yelling and hateful glares, Logan always reminded Roman that he still cared for him. That he still appreciated him. That he still loved him-

Roman loved him. He loved Logan so much and it hurt.

It hurt seeing Logan's face turn red every time Patton smiled at him. It hurt seeing Logan and Patton smiling and looking at each other lovingly. It hurt seeing the two get closer and closer every day. It hurt having to listen to Logan tell him how much he loved Patton. It hurt seeing Logan so happy whenever he was with Patton.

It hurt so much just watching the two fall in love with each other while he stayed in the dark, hoping for at least one small chance.

Of course, he never got that chance. He never had one. Patton was so much better than him- Patton was the one Logan deserved. Patton was nicer, more caring, more loving. Patton was perfect for Logan, unlike Roman.

He stood up, wiping his tears away. He took his umbrella and left the chocolates on the street- it had no purpose anymore.

Roman shook his head, sighed, then put on the best fake smile he had. He didn't care if it hurt smiling. He didn't care if all he wanted to do was cry until he ran out of tears. He didn't care about what he wanted to do.

The only thing he cared about was that he was going to help Logan and Patton finally become a couple- like everyone wanted.

It was going to hurt- of course. He still loved the man so much after all.

But if breaking himself meant that Logan would end up happy, then he didn't mind getting his heart crushed into a million more pieces.

It didn't matter if he would get heartbroken. All that mattered was that the person he loved would finally become the happiest man alive.


	3. part ???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: unrequited love; crying; unhappy ending

And suddenly, I could feel my heart rate slowing down. Suddenly, it was hard to breathe. It was like there was something holding on to a part of me but I wasn't sure which part. There was just this thing that made my chest ache- this thing that made me want to just let the Earth swallow me. Tears were already slipping out and I hate it. I want to stop crying but I can't. I can't stop the sobs and whimpers that escape my lips. It was painful- I've never felt this weak and embarrassed and fuck- Why couldn't it stop?! 

It was too painful. And I've never felt so defeated about not knowing why there are tears sliding down my cheeks- why my whole figure was shaking- why it hurt so much- 

But

It was nothing compared to the overwhelming emptiness that I was feeling. I couldn't feel anything but at the same time, I was feeling everything. 

It felt like I was falling apart. It felt like every positive emotion I ever had just.. disappeared. I've never felt that numb before and it scared me. What was happening to me..?

And other than the ringing in my ears- other than the terrifyingly slow heartbeat of mine- other than the sobs that slipped out- all I could hear was the same fucking sentence that repeated multiple times in my head:

"I don't love you anymore, I'm sorry."


	4. part ???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //...i finally updated after on e m o n t h -
> 
> TW:heartbreak; unrequited love; unhappy ending; crying; implied abusive/unhealthy friendship; deceit mention;

I honestly don't know why I like- no, loved you. I don't know why these feelings started blooming despite how different we are. It was confusing- how could it not be confusing? I mean, I fell for someone who was practically my exact opposite. And yes, I adore the idea of 'opposites attract' but at the moment... I didn't get it. At just didn't make sense! Plus, I knew barely anything about you so that didn't help at all. So, gods, I ask you this, why was it him that I had to fall for?

I could've fallen for someone else. It could've been Logan or Patton- I could've fallen for anyone else at school but no it just had to be him, I guess. It was absolutely infuriating! Just- why would you make me someone like him?! He's just so annoying! His hair was never fixed and it was dyed in this color, and his eyes weren't even the same color! Blue and gray? Seriously? That was just so weird!

And oh the eyeshadow- gods I hate that eyeshadow so much! Like- why would anyone just go anywhere with- just- the eyeshadow was placed under his eyes for Pete's sake! That's not how you're supposed to wear that! And why the heckity heck were you still wearing a jacket even if it was hot as hell outside?! Just- no! Quit complaining about the heat and just remove your jacket! It's not that hard!

Oh, and you know what else is annoying about him?! The way he types! All lowercase! no proper grammar, no proper punctuation- Ugh! You don't do that! You're supposed to type with proper grammar and with the start of every sentence and every proper noun in capital letters! Ugh!

And it is absolutely unfair about how he gets to be able to go to class late with no problem at all! Whenever I'm late the teachers always get mad! So how come it's not like that with you?! Are you bribing them or something?! It's not- why?! 

And oh my gods stop being so negative! I know that you can't help it or whatever but stop! Try to see the best of things! How was that so hard to do?!

And I know you're probably going through a lot of stuff or something but seriously- quit bringing down the mood! It's not okay! Just stop!

See?! It's so confusing! Why do I like him out of all people?! Sure, his hair is soft and fluffy and yeah those sweater paws are certainly adorable but that's not the point!

I just- i don't get it! Not at all! And it's making me die inside!

I'm trying to convince myself that I don't like you- I just can't! There's nothing to like but why- why does it hurt every time I see you talk to Logan so calmly?! Why does it hurt when I see Patton hug you tightly while you bury your face into the crook of his neck?! Not knowing the answer to this is absolutely infuriating!

Okay, you know what- love is infuriating! There! I said it!

Just- why? I don't..

Goddamnit. Why does it hurt this much?

...

Fine, maybe I lied. There is a lot about you to love. I just hate how I realized it later.

Gods, I need a break. Who knew that liking someone was this painful? It wasn't like this before so why was it different now?

I've fallen in love before. well, at least I think I did. But when I did, it never felt like this. When I saw them with someone else I was completely fine with it. so why..?

Every time I see you laugh with Patton, envy starts to bubble up inside me. When I see you resting your head on Logan's shoulder while he reads, I can feel this ache in my heart. And when the thought of you never liking me pops up- I could feel every emotion inside me disappear. I felt absolutely nothing while feeling everything at the same time and wow that sure was painful! Haha. 

Remember the things about you that I said I found annoying? Later on, I grew fond of those things.

It made me want to brush your hair out of your face. It made me want to run my hands through it just to see how soft it was. And the fact that it was purple was actually incredibly attractive. And though the eyeshadow was weird, I don't think I would know how to feel if I didn't see it under your eyes. And that jacket? Despite it having many different patches on it, it surprisingly fit you well. And it would be weird if you didn't type the way you typed now. It wouldn't match your aesthetic at all. And yes, it is unfair that the teachers almost never get mad at you but- it made you mysterious, in a way. It made you a puzzle that I desperately wanted to solve. 

I remember when we first properly met. It was raining hard and I could feel my cheeks turn red. I was alone with my crush! How could I not feel flustered? It felt like every inch of me was on fire, especially since you were sitting so close next to me. And though I was extremely nervous and flustered, I offered to just..run. and we did. And we were holding hands and gosh, despite the cold weather your hands were warm and I wish I could hold them again. We stopped at this place and we ended up bonding and it was great. I learned more about you than I could ever dream of and those sassy comments of yours were annoying but, I liked them. They were witty and slightly offensive and it definitely matched how you look.

And wow..when we danced together- that was amazing. I could only hear my heart beating and your breathing and my body was so warm- I felt so dizzy because you were so close and I just- wow. And since when did you become such a good dancer? I'm surprised. 

And the beach. The time at the beach was..amazing, in some way. That time when we both couldn't sleep- I never felt so calm yet so nervous at the same time. Blood was rushing through my veins and my body was shaky because you were right next to me. And the rays of light from the moon hitting your face- along with the beach as the background- you just looked absolutely stunning.

And the day after that, life instantly went down for some reason.

Everything started falling apart and I felt like I was imploding and exploding at the same time. I kept getting these horrible mood swings and just- every time I thought about you, sobs escaped my lips and tears streamed down my face. I don't think I've ever felt this weak before. My head, chest- everything hurt and it felt like I was being chained. Trapped behind bars that were made from loving you. I was so convinced that you didn't love me back- but with every interaction we had- it felt like you did. Until I was reminded that you didn't every time I saw you and Patton lovingly compliment each other or when I saw you and Logan smiling at each other the way lovers would- it hurt it hurt it hur-

I was tired. Tired of being given all these mixed signals. So I avoided you. I did my best to not talk to you- to not look at you. To not feel anything for you, but that hurt, so much. I was convinced that I was actually losing it because you were suddenly everywhere I went. Everything reminded me of you and I could hear your laugh from a few feet away and just-

I was sick of this. So I did what you warned me about at the first time we talked properly.

I befriended someone nicknamed 'Deceit'.

I know it was stupid but- it hurt, okay?

I wanted to be Patton every time I saw him run his hands through your hair. I wanted to be Patton every time I saw him kiss your cheek in such an affectionate manner. I wanted to be Patton every time you rested your head on his lap. I wanted to be Patton every time I saw you two laugh together at something one of you said.

I wanted to be logan every time I saw him holding your hand, rubbing circles on it. I wanted to be logan every time I saw you lay your head on his shoulder. I wanted to be logan every time I saw you talk about something only you two know about. I wanted to be logan every time I saw you two look fondly at each other.

I just.. I wanted to be someone you loved. But I wasn't. I couldn't be. It was impossible.

I tried to stop loving you. I tried to forget about you. But every time I reminded myself not to have these feelings- it made me love you more and it made things hurt me more.

It's weird. I hate being hurt. but I'm so willing to go through this heartbreak for forever if it meant that I get to have these moments with you that no one else would be able to have.

I know I'm setting myself for heartbreak but at this point, I don't care anymore.

Hey, want to know something? I adore your eyes.

Those eyes were just mesmerizing. There's just something so electrifying about them that draws me to it.

Your eyes could swallow stars- universes- galaxies. and even though I knew that it would burn if I went too close

I let myself get lost in them anyway. Even if it hurt.

Want to know another thing?

I don't regret it, not at all.


End file.
